wotopi - Wootopi Do we have to compromise? "You shouldn't talk about what you like" that I felt when looking for a match

Why is marriage hard? Why do I only meet men who make me feel delicate on the app? Where are the "ordinary people"?

The novel "I can die for marriage" (Shincho Bunko) is a novel about the doubts and discomfort that any woman who has ever tried to get married should have had. Ayako Minami (40), a writer who published.

Wakko (33) of Momoyama Trading Co., Ltd., who talked about the ambiguity of marriage in "Why do men tend to prioritize male friends over lovers?" ! We welcomed manga artist Umeko Fuyuno (35), who became a hot topic on SNS, as a guest, and the three of us talked about marriage.

Whether we meet during the day or at night?

Minami: Last time, Mr. Wakko said, "If the silence continues, the eyes of the people at the store will bother me." I don't really care about that. At daytime cafes in the city, there are a lot of men and women via the app, and everyone seems to be acting strangely. It's awkward, so you can tell right away.

Umeko: Do ​​you know that quickly?

Minami: You can tell right away when you enter the store. It's like "an app over there, an app over there". Once we realized that we weren't the only ones who felt unnatural, we were able to concentrate without being bothered by other people's eyes.

Wakko: Focus (laughs). Minami-san, you only meet the man on the app at lunchtime, right? "I usually only meet at night, so it was surprising, but is it more common to meet during the day?"

Minami: Isn't it hard to meet at night?

Umeko: It just takes away your time and energy.

Minami: It costs money, doesn't it? If it's noon, I can go out right away after drinking a lot of tea.

Wakko: Sure. But in my case, I can't talk to strangers without alcohol. If it's catechin, it's a bit...

Minami: Catechin (laughs).

What Natural Light Reveals

Wakko: The reason I can't see you without alcohol is because of my weakness.

Minami: Partly because I don't drink, I've decided not to meet people who say, "You can only go out at night." When I drink tea, I feel like I'm in front of an "unarmed person", and I think that's a good thing.

Wakko: It's an unarmed Thai man (laughs).

Minami: Oh yeah. It's like that person comes to you as he is.

Wakko: It's also about being able to see things as they are...

Umeko: It's nice that you can clearly see the other person's face during the day. There was a time when I couldn't see properly at night, and when I met him for the second time, I thought, "Are you a different person?"

Minami: Oh, I know that too!

Wakko: I'm sure the other side would think so too, but I'm like, "It's completely different!"

Umeko: At night, the lighting in the store makes your face look nice, doesn't it? It's only when the sun hits it that the truth comes out.

Wakko: Natural light is dangerous (laughs).

Minami: You can tell if your shoes are dirty or your clothes are wrinkled under natural light.

I thought it was impossible

Wakko: Come to think of it, there's an acquaintance of mine who went out drinking with a man she met while looking for a match and started dating on the same day. . When I looked at the other person calmly in natural light, it seems that it was physiologically impossible...

Minami: Are you still dating?

Wakko: Yes. Minami-san's novel has an episode in which the main character's friend meets and marries a man who looks like a coconut crab. Physiologically impossible, but happy. It may be a story similar to that.

Minami: The story of the man with the coconut crab face is mostly true, and it's about a friend of mine and her husband. When I met her a month before her engagement, she said, "She looks so sick that I can't look at her for more than five seconds."

Umeko: That's a pretty good state... Minami: But he's a really nice person, and he said, "If I marry this person, I'll be happy, so I'll do my best." After I got married, I didn't hear that kind of talk.

Wakko: I guess I'm used to it.

Minami: When he came to my parents' house to say hello, I saw him talking so firmly that I thought it was cool. He said it kind of flipped a switch.

He's a "nice guy" but something's wrong

Wakko: Switching on is pretty late (laughs). By the way, the acquaintance I just talked about looks a lot like Hiro from Umeko's manga "Noroku no Otoko de Ini Nichini".

Umeko: In my mind, Hiro is also a “good person”.

Wakko: Sure. It feels like it's neither good nor bad.

Umeko: He's not a bad person... In that manga, I portrayed someone who is not cunning or tries to pull people down as a "good person." However, the main character, Mihiko, feels that something is wrong with Hiro, who is such a "nice person".

Wakko: I understand intuitively, but what is actually "different"?

Umeko: Isn't there a lot of "nice people" like that in apps? He is positive about marriage, looks favorably on people in general, and has no secrets. It's simple, but on the other hand, you could say that I didn't think about it at all.

Minami: Don't you hate it when you don't think about anything?

Umeko: I think so. I can see that I'm not thinking about anything, so I'm like, "This doesn't fit anything." However, I also think that that kind of "not bad but not bad" is what everyone calls a "good person."

Wakko: People tend to think that "impossible is normal".

Umeko: Oh yeah. If you're someone who can't handle anything, people around you tend to say things like, "Don't let that person decide for you." It's at a level like 'I don't want to hit you'.

Wakko: I see. Just because men don't gamble or engage in moral harassment, they say things like "nothing wrong = normal = good people"... that's kind of an advantage, isn't it?

Umeko: I don't gamble, I don't hit, and I'm a full-time employee.

Wakko: Very easy.

Umeko: On the other hand, I think that there is a major premise here: "I'm over 30, so compromise on everything." It's like "I like it, I shouldn't talk about it".

Can Compromise Make You Happy?

Wakko: Compromise is often said, but what is it?

Umeko: I don't feel like I'm compromising when I see my friends who are married, so I honestly don't know.

Minami: I think that women who are looking for marriage can be roughly divided into two categories. Of course, that's too complicated a division.

Wakko: How do you divide it?

Minami: On the other hand, she is a person who wants to get married no matter what, even if she closes her eyes, and she has a strong desire to be someone's wife. The other is someone who doesn't care about the form of marriage, but wants to be a partner with the person he or she likes.

Wakko: I see.

Minami: After trying to get married, I came to think that I am the latter. When I was in my late 30s, I was approached by someone with good conditions. He had a good personality, was young, and was a so-called high-spec man. However, there were some aspects of the person's values ​​and way of thinking that I couldn't agree with.

Wakko: That's tough.

Minami: I looked at myself from a stranger's point of view and said, "If you don't like that man, you won't be able to get married for the rest of your life." If he can't "compromise" with this person, he can't compromise with anyone.

Umeko: Hmm.

Minami: So, I chose the path of being alone.

Does the room need indirect lighting?

Wakko: So you've decided.

Minami: Do you really want to get married? I guess that will be the final decision. There are people who say, "I definitely don't want to be alone," and I think that kind of people close their eyes to some things. I'm sure there is happiness that can be obtained even if you close your eyes. It's fun and happy to have someone by my side. I'm happy if you're by my side, even if I think we don't agree on a fundamental point of view.

Wakko: That's one way of thinking, isn't it?

Minami: Yeah. On the other hand, there are those who say that it is a misfortune to have someone by your side and not like what they think. I think I'm on that side.

Umeko: I think the same way. Indirect lighting comes to mind for some reason, but I don't think it's necessary to keep things in the room that you don't want so much.

Wakko: Certainly (laughs).

Umeko: If you don't have a sense of "this is it", you don't have to. Even if you compromise and get married, I feel that the fact that "I compromised" will remain. Maybe it's because I've never thought about "by what age I want to have a child".

Wakko: I think people who want to get married no matter what will want children and a family. Like you, I have no such motivation. But when I say things like "I want to marry a nice person♪", they say "Isn't it bad for you to say such carefree things?" I feel that it is difficult to convey that "I want to get married" also has a gradation.

(Composition: Yuhi Morita / Momoyama Shoji, Editing: Yoko Ajitomi)